Don't Insult the Redboard!
by freeasthebirds
Summary: Like Batman said, 'drastic times calls for drastic measures'. But Tim does NOT agree, because there are just some topics that you do NOT touch. EVER.


"What's the hurry, B?" Red Hood asked as he pocketed his guns. "I was just about to pound another of these damn robot things to the ground."

"This is just a distraction. We need to-" Batman paused and glanced around. "Where's Red Robin?"

Nightwing shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. We couldn't find him. I shouted his name a few times, but he either can't hear me or he's ignoring me."

"Yeah, and he's not answering his communicator either." Red Hood added.

"Not to mention that the armor of these mindless robots is the same color as Red Robin's suit." Robin stated.

"I see…" Batman said thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose this call for drastic measures."

Nightwing looked at Batman in confusion. "Huh? What are you-?"

Batman cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, " _ **THE BATMOBILE IS THE LAMEST CAR EVER!**_ "

The only warning the Bat family got was a bright flash of light before-

 _ **BOOM!**_

" _Take cover!_ "

"Damn it, Goldie, gimme back my jacket! It's not my fault you don't have a cape or helmet to protect you from flying shrapnel!"

"Stop being so damn selfish and quit elbowing me in the back!"

"That is _me,_ Grayson, and get your overly large posterior _out_ of my face!"

" _Excuse_ me? Are _you_ calling me-"

" _Enough,_ all of you." Batman finally growled as he hauled Nightwing off of Red Hood and Robin.

"Hey B, why did you yell-" Nightwing stopped when he saw a figure stomping towards them through the dissipating smoke.

" _ **WHO THE**_ _ **HELL**_ _ **SAID THAT?!**_ "

"There he is." Batman said calmly.

Nightwing, Red Hood and Robin stared between Batman and their fuming brother with a mixture of bewilderment and incredulity.

Then Red Hood face palmed and muttered, "Oh, you've _got_ to be kidding me."

Red Robin came to a stop in front of them, wearing a murderous glare on his face.

"Good. You're here. Now let's go." Batman stated, walking away with nothing but a simple gesture for them to follow him.

"Oh no, you don't." Red Robin cried as he took a running jump, flipping over Batman and landing in front of his mentor. "You don't get to say things like that and just walk away! What the heck was that all about just now?!"

"It was necessary. And the only way to call you." Batman replied.

"The _only_ way-? No B, that was _not_ necessary, that…that was _extreme!_ " Red Robin shouted as he jogged to keep up with the older man's long strides.

Batman turned to look at Red Robin. "Extreme? No, _that_ wasn't extreme. If _I_ wanted to be extreme, I would've yelled, 'The Redboard is a sloth compared to the Batmobile.'."

" _ **LIKE HELL IT IS!**_ " Red Robin hollered.

"I only state the truth." Batman told him in a matter-of-fact tone.

Red Robin shot him an indignant look. "The _truth?!_ Just because you don't _appreciate_ the Redboard is no reason to insult it! If you _ever_ insult it again, I _swear_ I'll…"

Batman stared at Red Robin passively as the younger hero wagged his finger and continued spouting off threats.

"…and besides, you only say things like that because _you_ don't know how to skate!"

Batman raised an eyebrow. "And _why_ would I want to do that? _I_ have the Batmobile. _Your_ flimsy board is nothing compared to it."

" _Flimsy?!_ I'll _show_ you flimsy, you…you _son of a deer tick!_ Can you do cool tricks, flipping and twisting and stuff like that with the Batmobile? No! So don't even try and…"

Red Hood watched as Batman and Red Robin continued to argue and compare between the Batmobile and Redboard.

"Okay, it's official. I'm surrounded by idiots." He said.

"Now, don't be like that, Hood. They're just… _uhm_ …"Nightwing paused as he racked his head for a proper term to use. "…passionate about vehicles."

" _Hmph._ But I got to give it to the kid though; he can make a pretty convincing argument, even though the odds are not in his favor." Red Hood admitted.

Suddenly, there was a shout, "What?!...Oh, really? Well, at least _I_ don't get tickets for speeding! No sir, I can go as _fast_ as I want!"

Nightwing winced. "Yeah, but maybe he's a little _too_ passionate."

"Wait," Robin said suddenly, "We're using the Batmobile to go back after we're done here, right?"

"Yeah…?" Nightwing answered slowly, his tone questioning.

"Then I'm not getting in the Batmobile with Father." Robin declared, "Nightwing, you'd better make sure you get your Night-cycle over here by the time we've completed this mission."

"Why? Thought you loved to spend every single moment of your time with father dearest." Red Hood sneered.

Robin scowled. "Keep talking, Hood, and I'll-"

"No. Robin's right," Nightwing interrupted. "Trust me; you don't want to get in the same car as B or Red after they have one of these fights."

Red Hood scoffed. "Oh come on, they can't be _that_ bad."

"Oh, they _are_ that bad." Nightwing said darkly. "They will press the gas pedal to the _limit_ when either one of them is driving. So if you don't want to see your life flash before your eyes multiple times for the entire journey back, you'd better program your bike to get here too."

Red Hood dismissed the warning. "Hey, I already died once. I'm not afraid of anything."

"Well, don't say I didn't warn you." Nightwing shrugged before he and Robin ran to catch up with Batman and Red Robin.

After the two heroes were well out of earshot, Red Hood pressed a button at the side of his helmet and said, "Bike 3 to warehouse 34, approximately 10 meters from current location."

He waited for the 'beep', signaling that his command was relayed successfully.

"I guess it's better to be safe than sorry." Red Hood mumbled as he followed Nightwing and Robin at a more sedate pace.


End file.
